Post by capttom on Dec 26, 2019 17:56:20 GMT
Each week, after the newsletter is sent out, several people unsubscribe. In some cases, it is because of what I said in the newsletter. This essay is an essay that is very valuable if you can get through it, take it in, and learn from it. But there is a risk of being emotionally stressed as you read it. So, let's see if we can work around that problem.
Identify a person you feel comfortable with, someone who doesn't judge you. When with such a person, their presence is calming. So is remembering such a person. So, before you continue reading, figure out who you can bring to mind if this essay hits a nerve. Then, as you read, if you get upset, bring that person to mind. Remember their face. Imagine you hear the sound of their voice. Think of how it feels if they give you an affectionate hug. OK? Those three things, your friend's face, voice quality, and touch, can calm you. Use them if you need to.
In the SOAR Library, there is an article titled, "Abstract Point Of No Return."
www.fearofflying.com/library/abstract-point-of-no-return/
This essay is intended to help readers deal with anticipatory anxiety. In general, anxious fliers don't have good ability to down-regulate anxiety. This leads to efforts to control. If we can't calm down, we need to control things so we don't get upset. To control anxiety, we have to control everything. If we can't be sure we can control something, we either avoid that activity or make sure we have a way out.
It's not just situations. It's also thoughts. Since the amygdala reacts to thoughts, if we don't have good ability to down-regulate, we try to protect ourselves from thoughts that up-regulate us. This strategy is psychologically unhealthy. The mind needs to be free to explore. Nevertheless, many of us work very hard trying to control what we are aware of.
How do we keep a thought out of mind? We can't do so in a straightforward manner because, to keep something out of mind, we would have to continuously keep in mind what we want to keep out of mind. It's a "catch 22."
So we turn to nefarious methods. This isn't new. Back in 1964, psychiatrist Eric Berne, M.D., wrote a book titled "Games People Play." I recall seeing a video of him driving along in his MG sports car, and talking to the interviewer. He said people spend their time playing games to keep the mind so occupied that they leave no space for anything from entering the mind spontaneously. One thing he said struck me hard. He said most people use up their entire life in this frivolous way. He considered a person really lucky if they let go of controlling everything and have a few moments of genuine person-to-person intimacy.
I had a client who worked in a hospice. Working with people who are dying might seem to be a depressing job. But people who choose hospice know they are at the end of life. They, many of them, stop with the games. They, and the hospice staff have a remarkable opportunity: they get to have a direct, honest, relationships free of playing games just to fill up mental space. Knowing there is little life left, they are not interested in using it up frivolously. They want to live the last of their life fully in a genuine way.
As Berne said, if really lucky, we have a few moments of life that are genuine. Some of us are able to give up controlling what is in the mind only when we are facing the end of life. Some of us can't even do it then. If you want to see a list of the games he identified, go to en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Games_People_Play_(book)
But here is what I want to get to. I did automobile racing for a couple of years. Another driver told me that, during a race, you sometimes see black skid marks going off the track into a forest or over a cliff. He said, when you see that and know another driver has just been killed, you slow down a little bit. You can't - at least temporarily - drive as fast as you have been.
I was in a Formula 3 supporting race for the 1964 French Formula 1 Grand Prix. After passing the grandstand, the track goes downhill through a series of "s" turns. On the left side of the pavement, there is an embankment. Off the right side, there is a cliff. Cars go through the "s" turns at about 140 MPH before reaching a hairpin turn that requires hard braking from 140 MPH down to about 30 MPH, before going uphill on the backside of the racecourse.
Passing the grandstand and going into the descending "s" turns, I saw marks on the pavement that were not there on the previous lap: the tell-tale black skidmarks of a car that had spun out of control and gone over the cliff. Clearly, going off the pavement and over a cliff at 140 MPH was not survivable. This was the moment the driver had told me about. This was the time a driver would. due to emotion, be unable to drive quite as fast. But, that wasn't the case. The crash had no effect on my driving.
Only in the last few days as this came to mind did I realize why, and what it has to do with fear of flying. People who fear flying are shocked by the thought of their plane crashing. They are shocked by the thought of being killed. When a shocking thought triggers the release of stress hormones, there are three possibilities:
That last possibility, number three, was the reason there was no change in my driving. I had - unknowingly - become desensitized to the thought of being killed simply because it is a thought that comes to a fighter pilot's mind routinely. For example, before going out to fly, I went to the latrine to urinate, and while urinating thought, "This may be the last time you do this," and it is just a thought. It is, because routine, not shocking. Generally, the amygdala does not react to what is routine.
Now, this brings us to anticipatory anxiety. I propose that the problem with anticipatory anxiety is that, since it is not routine to have the thought of crashing, having the thought triggers the release of stress hormones. There is a feeling of alarm. If automatic down-regulation is not operative, alarm is not down-regulated to curiosity/interest. Alarm continues until stress hormones burn off, cause a minute or more of distress.
So I am going to propose the usual way to neutralizing that thought and a radical approach to it. The way SOAR generally deals with this is to imagine a friend holding a black-and-white photo of a situation where there is a crash. Then you talk it over so their voice becomes linked to the subject. Then, as you talk, your friend gives you a hug.
If using a black-and-white photo causes too much reaction, use a cartoon of a cartoon character thinking about a crash. Link that the same way.
But here is the radical way. What if the thought of your plane crashing becomes routine, routine enough that the amygdala stops reacting to it? When we look at the abstract point of no return, you are invited to commit to taking your flight "no matter what, even if it kills you." That thought, I believe, needs to be brought to mind repeatedly until it is just a thought that can freely enter the mind, a thought that does not have to be kept out of mind by some ruse. The amygdala gets use to it. It is a though that comes to mind routinely. It becomes a thought that no longer triggers alarm.
In other words, one way of ending anticipatory anxiety is to be able to think "what if my plane crashes" and have that thought be just a thought.
Do we want to be a person who never comes to grips with the thought of death because thinking it causes a reaction we can't down-regulate? Do we want to be a person who must play mental games throughout life until finally in hospice? Or to learn to live now without mental games by causing the thought of death - or of the plane crashing - to be just a thought by (a.) neutralizing it via links to a friend and/or (b.) repeating it until it no longer has any power.
Identify a person you feel comfortable with, someone who doesn't judge you. When with such a person, their presence is calming. So is remembering such a person. So, before you continue reading, figure out who you can bring to mind if this essay hits a nerve. Then, as you read, if you get upset, bring that person to mind. Remember their face. Imagine you hear the sound of their voice. Think of how it feels if they give you an affectionate hug. OK? Those three things, your friend's face, voice quality, and touch, can calm you. Use them if you need to.
In the SOAR Library, there is an article titled, "Abstract Point Of No Return."
www.fearofflying.com/library/abstract-point-of-no-return/
This essay is intended to help readers deal with anticipatory anxiety. In general, anxious fliers don't have good ability to down-regulate anxiety. This leads to efforts to control. If we can't calm down, we need to control things so we don't get upset. To control anxiety, we have to control everything. If we can't be sure we can control something, we either avoid that activity or make sure we have a way out.
It's not just situations. It's also thoughts. Since the amygdala reacts to thoughts, if we don't have good ability to down-regulate, we try to protect ourselves from thoughts that up-regulate us. This strategy is psychologically unhealthy. The mind needs to be free to explore. Nevertheless, many of us work very hard trying to control what we are aware of.
How do we keep a thought out of mind? We can't do so in a straightforward manner because, to keep something out of mind, we would have to continuously keep in mind what we want to keep out of mind. It's a "catch 22."
So we turn to nefarious methods. This isn't new. Back in 1964, psychiatrist Eric Berne, M.D., wrote a book titled "Games People Play." I recall seeing a video of him driving along in his MG sports car, and talking to the interviewer. He said people spend their time playing games to keep the mind so occupied that they leave no space for anything from entering the mind spontaneously. One thing he said struck me hard. He said most people use up their entire life in this frivolous way. He considered a person really lucky if they let go of controlling everything and have a few moments of genuine person-to-person intimacy.
I had a client who worked in a hospice. Working with people who are dying might seem to be a depressing job. But people who choose hospice know they are at the end of life. They, many of them, stop with the games. They, and the hospice staff have a remarkable opportunity: they get to have a direct, honest, relationships free of playing games just to fill up mental space. Knowing there is little life left, they are not interested in using it up frivolously. They want to live the last of their life fully in a genuine way.
As Berne said, if really lucky, we have a few moments of life that are genuine. Some of us are able to give up controlling what is in the mind only when we are facing the end of life. Some of us can't even do it then. If you want to see a list of the games he identified, go to en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Games_People_Play_(book)
But here is what I want to get to. I did automobile racing for a couple of years. Another driver told me that, during a race, you sometimes see black skid marks going off the track into a forest or over a cliff. He said, when you see that and know another driver has just been killed, you slow down a little bit. You can't - at least temporarily - drive as fast as you have been.
I was in a Formula 3 supporting race for the 1964 French Formula 1 Grand Prix. After passing the grandstand, the track goes downhill through a series of "s" turns. On the left side of the pavement, there is an embankment. Off the right side, there is a cliff. Cars go through the "s" turns at about 140 MPH before reaching a hairpin turn that requires hard braking from 140 MPH down to about 30 MPH, before going uphill on the backside of the racecourse.
Passing the grandstand and going into the descending "s" turns, I saw marks on the pavement that were not there on the previous lap: the tell-tale black skidmarks of a car that had spun out of control and gone over the cliff. Clearly, going off the pavement and over a cliff at 140 MPH was not survivable. This was the moment the driver had told me about. This was the time a driver would. due to emotion, be unable to drive quite as fast. But, that wasn't the case. The crash had no effect on my driving.
Only in the last few days as this came to mind did I realize why, and what it has to do with fear of flying. People who fear flying are shocked by the thought of their plane crashing. They are shocked by the thought of being killed. When a shocking thought triggers the release of stress hormones, there are three possibilities:
- Stress hormones are triggered by the thought. The sympathetic nervous system is activated. Heart rate increases. Breathing rate increases. Sweating takes place. Tension develops. Emotionally, there is a feeling of alarm. Your ability to think deteriorates. Your ability to function deteriorates. Your reflective Function shuts down, and the imagination of being killed takes over, and the thought - being killed - becomes real. That's shocking. More stress hormones are released. You stay up-regulated until the stress hormones burn off.
- Stress hormones are triggered by the thought. Your sympathetic nervous system is activated. Up-regulation takes place, but only momentarily. Your parasympathetic nervous system, triggered to activate upon up-regulation, automatically down-regulated you from feeling alarmed to feeling interested.
- Stress hormones are not triggered by the thought because you are desensitized to the thought due to prior exposure.
That last possibility, number three, was the reason there was no change in my driving. I had - unknowingly - become desensitized to the thought of being killed simply because it is a thought that comes to a fighter pilot's mind routinely. For example, before going out to fly, I went to the latrine to urinate, and while urinating thought, "This may be the last time you do this," and it is just a thought. It is, because routine, not shocking. Generally, the amygdala does not react to what is routine.
Now, this brings us to anticipatory anxiety. I propose that the problem with anticipatory anxiety is that, since it is not routine to have the thought of crashing, having the thought triggers the release of stress hormones. There is a feeling of alarm. If automatic down-regulation is not operative, alarm is not down-regulated to curiosity/interest. Alarm continues until stress hormones burn off, cause a minute or more of distress.
So I am going to propose the usual way to neutralizing that thought and a radical approach to it. The way SOAR generally deals with this is to imagine a friend holding a black-and-white photo of a situation where there is a crash. Then you talk it over so their voice becomes linked to the subject. Then, as you talk, your friend gives you a hug.
If using a black-and-white photo causes too much reaction, use a cartoon of a cartoon character thinking about a crash. Link that the same way.
But here is the radical way. What if the thought of your plane crashing becomes routine, routine enough that the amygdala stops reacting to it? When we look at the abstract point of no return, you are invited to commit to taking your flight "no matter what, even if it kills you." That thought, I believe, needs to be brought to mind repeatedly until it is just a thought that can freely enter the mind, a thought that does not have to be kept out of mind by some ruse. The amygdala gets use to it. It is a though that comes to mind routinely. It becomes a thought that no longer triggers alarm.
In other words, one way of ending anticipatory anxiety is to be able to think "what if my plane crashes" and have that thought be just a thought.
Do we want to be a person who never comes to grips with the thought of death because thinking it causes a reaction we can't down-regulate? Do we want to be a person who must play mental games throughout life until finally in hospice? Or to learn to live now without mental games by causing the thought of death - or of the plane crashing - to be just a thought by (a.) neutralizing it via links to a friend and/or (b.) repeating it until it no longer has any power.
